OH GOODIE!!!

The advertisements are here!! The advertisements are here!!!  And I love how they are topical with what I write about.....did you notice the Swiffer coupons? For Tim, I will mention the Libman mop system in hopes for a discount on future replacement heads. Wow, I could have a lot of fun with this.  I guess if anyone is in need of a coupon, let me know what for and I will write about it and *KALABAZAM* there's your coupon.  Let's try something...... I love free money and a free new truck!  We'll see if the coupon gods are paying attention now.

Now, there has been some feedback on my anti-Republican rants. I am not against Republicans, there are just as many ridiculous Democrats out there, they are just not in the spotlight of the news today.  So, I am not Republican bashing....I am Idiot bashing.  See the difference?

Now on for some more good old fashioned Republican idiot bashing....  Newton has promised the good people of Florida that we will be living on the moon in 8 years. He he he he. And he would also like to get enough people up there to declare the moon an actual state.  Now, when I was a young tot, we were told that by the year 2000 we would be traveling around in small hover crafts like the Jetsons.  Rut Ro Astro!  Now, that idea was rather scary to me when I was 6, but I was kinda looking forward to having a robot maid and a digital diary. Needless to say, it's 2012 and I drive around in an 8 year old Chevy Blazer and the only person cleaning my house is me.  Now, without our space shuttle program, NASA is relying on a privately owned companies that are building space crafts to launch us back into space.  I wonder if Newt has any stock or "interests" in these companies? Hmmmmmmmmmmm.....  I feel that we have enough to take care of on our planet, why would we want to start inhabiting somewhere else?  Plus, can we just go there and live? No one really owns the moon....would we have to squat there for 7 years first?  I hate wasting time thinking about nonsense like this.

Let's move on to more nonsense.......

It was brought to my attention that I may be the reincarnation of an elderly, retired, Italian man. You see, when it snows...I must get every flake off of my driveway. I need to get it down to the black.  I will not stop until every inch of the driveway is bare. But it doesn't stop there....I also have to get the sidewalk cleared, and I must cut a path through my front yard for the mail lady so she doesn't walk through my snow covered gardens.  Then when I am through with my property, I must move on to the neighbor's driveway and sidewalk.  And I think I have to clear the neighbor's snow, so my driveway doesn't look so idiotically clean surrounded by their snowy messes.  One year my neighbor Bob granted me the Golden Shovel award...and ever since then I have taken the job of snow removal very seriously and even turned it into an art form. Well, at least that is what I need to tell myself so I don't feel so OCD about it. 


I just found out that my 25th (holy crap) high school reunion is this year. But I really don't care about it.  I went to the pre-party for my 20th reunion and it was ok.  But my reasoning is this; I didn't talk to most of these people a quarter of a century ago, why would I want to talk to them now?  I can say that I was more entertained by how people have aged, rather than by the people themselves.  The 20th reunion did bring me back in touch with a couple friends I was close with in school, and I am grateful for that. But it also highlighted my theory of "once an asshole, always an asshole".  And not "asshole" in the good way.....like me.  So, I will be teetering on the 25th reunion attendance fence for the next 6 months. I will let you know what I decide...

One last note...I would like to wish my favorite brother Mark a Happy Birthday! I was going through some pictures the other day and came across this one from when he and I were much younger. 




Apparently we had chili for lunch that day because we both look like we are ripping some serious ass crackers.

until next time.....

OH-BAMA!

It's the most wonderful time of the year....no not Christmas....but time for the annual Presidential State of the Union Address! Yippee!  I will admit, I do look forward to watching these no matter who the President in office is.  I get such a kick out of how the first televised hour is very award show-esque; watching the people come into the House of Representatives, seeing what they are wearing, who gets attention and who gets ignored.  But I most love when people refuse to clap or even boo during the speech. He he he. I must admit, I think the address itself would only take 20 minutes if they could make everyone hold their applause to the end, but what would be the fun of that?  I think Obama did a pretty good job. I couldn't focus in the beginning because our Vice President was fiddling around in his pocket, whipped out a hanky and started wiping his nose.. anyways......  I really think our President is a great speaker. I have to admit I got teary eyed a couple times throughout his speech (yes, I am a patriotic crybaby).  I don't remember ever getting misty during one of George W. Bush's SOTUs.  I believe I was more focused on trying to figure out what he was saying (evil doers, nu-Q-lar missiles,  psycho-bible, inyuandated). I think there should be a drinking game for all of Bush's speeches...every time he makes up a word, butchers a word's pronunciation or just plainly uses the wrong word you have to drink. Sometimes my best ideas are in hindsight.  Anyways..... Obama said a lot, but I think the best topic he hit on was the political power struggle between the two parties.  He said "Washington is broken" and that there is "corrosive influence of money in politics". When he said they should "ban insider trading by members in Congress" someone actually booed him. Not just a subtle boo, but a good old fashioned Jerry Springer audience boo.  But it's true...the rivalry between the Democrats and Republicans is out of hand.  Decisions that are made in the government are no longer about the people, but about the party.  Frustrating. Ok, back to the speech.....how come the handful of uniformed military in the front row would only clap for themselves? I'm being serious...are they not allowed to show their political affiliation in public? I just found that odd.  Near the end of the speech, Obama briefly spoke about the nuclear threat in Iran and how he would take any measure to ensure that they cannot build a bomb. But he emphasized that he would pursue a peaceful resolution first.  This is totally different than what our G.O.P. candidates are saying they would do, except for Ron Paul who just wants peace, love and understanding.   We just got out of one war, why would we thrust ourselves into another?  All in all it was another inspirational speech by our President. I think he spoke in terms that all could understand, he didn't toot his own horn too much and he didn't overly point the finger of blame on everyone else.  I give him an A- overall.

Ok, enough serious political crap, let's move on to the fun stuff!!!

Rick Santorum....first off, if anyone is in need of rounding out their wardrobe with a sweater vest, here is a link you cannot ignore https://www.ricksantorum.com/civicrm/contribute/transact?reset=1&id=38 . Act now, cuz when he's gone, they're gone.   I never understood the whole concept around the sweater vest...it's like having fingerless gloves...what's the point?
Back to Ricky....boy, every time this guy opens his mouth, mine falls open to the floor.  In an interview last week, he confirmed that he believes that no pregnancy, even in the case of rape, shall ever be aborted.  He said in the instance of rape the woman, and I quote, should "make the best out of a bad situation".  Wha wha what? He went on to say that she should "accept this horribly created" baby, because it was still a gift from God, even if given in a "broken" way.  Ummm....errrrrr...did he just say that being impregnated during a rape is a gift from God?  (insert loud swallowing noise here).  Wow, people are donating money to the political campaign of this crazy, fanatical, right wing Christian.  But wait, it almost gets worse ...back in 1996, his wife delivered (early due to a second trimester abortion to save HER life) a baby boy who died shortly after child birth. The Santorum's brought the dead baby home so their other children could play with him for a short time and returned the body to the hospital the next morning. I am in no way mocking the fact that they lost a child, that is horrible. But they brought the baby home and let their kids play with it.....well .... that's ..... wow .... very disturbing. Is that even legal?

Now without any segway, I would like to talk about my disgust towards my Swiffer.  I have actually paid money for a product that just pushes the dirt around on my floor, from one end of the room to the other.  Yes, the cloths pick up some dirt, but it mainly just smears and grinds the dirt in if you ask me. In order for the Swiffer to do it's job, you would have to change that cloth every 20 seconds. Think about it, would you use a dirty paper towel to wipe down your counter top over and over again? Eeeewwwww.  The only thing my Swiffer is good for is to leave the impression of having a clean floor. I admit, sometimes if I know someone is coming over, I will Swiffer the floor just so the smell of a freshly Swiffered floor is in the air.  It's like Febreeze. You aren't actually cleaning anything, you are just making it smell like you have.  So, I will put my Swiffer in the faux cleaning category, alongside the feather duster, the pledge spray and the self cleaning button on my oven.

The ads will be up and running soon, according to the good people at Google. So remember to click away on them. I want you to click so much that your carpel tunnel kicks in and you are blinded by pain. No pain, no gain!

Oh, and I would like to thank my 3 followers so far. Truthfully, they are three of the coolest, smartest, most attractive people I know.....don't you wanna be cool, smart & hot too? If so, follow my blog!!!!!  

J

Documentaries are ruining my life.....

First up, I would like to welcome severe climate change to upstate New York!  We are nearing the end of January and we have had hardly any snowfall. Actually, today it's 45 degrees and raining.  So, let's all bake some cookies, grab a bottle of cheap, re-gifted wine, whip up your Aunt Louise's famous cheesy casserole and roll out the welcome wagon for our new neighbor, Global Warming! Yea!  I actually don't know THAT much about global warming...I've watched a couple documentaries, both pro and con that the idea actually exists. I was a little freaked out after I watched An Inconvenient Truth by Al Gore (you know him, George W. thinks he was the creator of the internets). I can see the changes in our climate and landscape, I trust the scientists that are producing data to explain what is happening to our planet....but I don't think I am very committed to help stop what is happening. Really, what else can I do?  I am a gardener by trade, I have an organic vegetable garden in the warm months, I walk places rather than drive when I can, I keep my thermostat at about 60 degrees during the winter. I have solar lighting outside, I have motion sensor halogen lights throughout my house, I use water from my dehumidifier to water my indoor plants. I recycle, I reuse, I support local organic farmers and am about 90% pesticide free in my home. Pretty good huh? No...... not according to many. Click on this link and see how many of these 50 actions you are currently performing  http://www.matessa.org/~mike/50ways.html . Can you really sell everything you own and replace it with newer, more eco-friendly items? NO? Me neither......I am too poor to help stop this change .... So, I don't actively think about how my actions are effecting our mother Earth...it's easier that way....Plus I am too busy scaring the crap out of myself by watching all the food documentaries out there.  Raise of hands of all of you who stopped eating chicken after watching Food, Inc......  Yeah, me too.  In the past two years, I have completely changed what I eat and how I prepare food.  I am sure most people boycotted McDonalds for a month or two after watching Super Size Me....but after you watch watch films like Food, Inc., King Corn, Food Matters, The Future of Food, you will never look at food the same again.  It's terrifying how our food is grown, processed and preserved. Food scares me. Not saying that I have stopped eating, but I can't enjoy a meal anymore. I don't find pleasure in going out to dinner either, because I have to agonize over a menu of food that I have no control over. No control of where it came from, what's in it or how it's handled before it's served to me. And I know that I, myself, am fully to blame for this, but I can't stop watching these documentaries.  I constantly warn people what will happen to them when they watch these films, but I can't seem to stop myself. My Netflix queue is full of these types of movies. I am obsessed with being obsessed with this. Maybe I need an intervention. Or at least a hobby at this point.

So, let's shift topics and talk about what happened in South Carolina over the weekend.  Newt? Really? I guess the good people of South Carolina deemed him as the lesser of the handful of crazies that are competing for the Commander in Chief position.  Really? This is a man who filed for divorce from his first wife a day after she had cancer surgery, left his second wife when she was diagnosed with MS (all while sleeping with a young White House aid) ....Then he married the adulterous aid.... I see a pattern forming and truly hope the current Mrs. Gingrich is in excellent health. Otherwise it will be Na na na na, na na na, hey hey hey .... goodbye! It's hard to believe that he could have compassion for the American people, whom he has no correlation with, when he ignores the "in sickness and health" vow in his first two marriages and leaves these two sickly women to fend for themselves. Plus, could I really respect a President who sports jowls and a wattle? Ugh....nope. I really never hear what he says because I am all caught up staring at that loose fleshy mass under his chin.  Could he tuck that extra skin in his collar to stop it from bouncing around when he speaks? I would appreciate it if he could just put it away....somewhere...anywhere.

Let's talk about the Jehovah's Witnesses who won't stop coming to my house every Sunday.  I made the mistake around Halloween to actually have a brief conversation with the ladies who came to my door. I made it clear right from the start that I was an atheist, but would listen to what they had to say.  With hearing the "A" word, these ladies lit up! They wondered if I had questions about the Bible because I obviously was uneducated in the field of religion and very confused. They mentioned that there may be some wickedness surrounding me and they could help me with that.  Through their interpretation of the Bible, which is not literal, they could help me find my way......even though I am pretty sure I am not lost. At one point the word Armageddon was thrown out and I was dumbfounded. So now these two sharply dressed women have gotten my attention. I tell them I have many questions, but they do not have time now to talk to me.  They need to spread the word of Jehovah to many others that day and would come back to sit down and answer all of my questions. All of them? Cool.  I'd better start making a list.  Well, over two months went by and no witnesses ever came back.  So, I lost interest in the ridiculousness of Armageddon and threw out my list of questions. Now, since the beginning of the year, these women have come every Sunday to rap on my door. I just ignore them, I don't even hide, so I know they see me in the house.....who cares.  But today, a lone man came to my house.With the backing of three German Shepherds, I answered the door. Through the crazy barking of the dogs, he managed to get some words out.... which brings me to the stupid question of the day...."Have I found Jesus?"  Ummmmm.....truthfully, I didn't know he was missing. But if I had found Jesus, don't you think I would have told someone?  What would I do with him? Called the local news station or maybe would have charged people $5 to walk through my house to see Jesus drinking coffee in my kitchen? I just looked at him and said "No, I haven't been looking for him". Before he could say anything else, I just shut the door on him. Hopefully this will stop them from coming to my house from now on. If not, I am going to make every one of their visits extremely uncomfortable. I almost hope they come back just one more time.

I found a very disturbing (aka very entertaining) website by accident today. All I have to say is that Jesus is your homeboy...I think I once had a t-shirt that said that. Anyway, share this link with all the children in your life and you too can be their homeboy....yo. http://www.landoverbaptist.net/PS3.htm

Today I received several emails regarding online dating sites. Not just any online dating sites, but ones that obviously are specific to me and my lifestyle.....
- Christian Singles
- Senior Singles
- Facebook Speed dating (what?)
I'm a 42 year old atheist that is not on Facebook....where do I sign up?


Thanks to everyone who commented either on this site or privately thru my email. Keep the stupid questions coming and don't forget to follow the blog!

Toodles,
Jules

Where to begin....where to begin.......

I guess I will begin by summing up the year 2011 with one word ..... Crapapalooza.
It started out with the breaking of a window in my truck and my purse being stolen, and ended with the breaking of my heart and my faith in trust & honesty being stolen.  Blah blah, boo hoo, waaaaaaaaaaaaa.....life goes on. I have hiked up my big girl pants, said goodbye to the past and am ready to go forth and conquer. I wonder if I will need a coat?

Now, on with this blog.....I am not really sure what I want to accomplish here, but I need an outlet for all the ridiculousness that goes on in my head.  For all of you who truly know me, you know that I am a magnet for strange people and awkward situations (or is it awkward people and strange situations?).   Here's a good example....One Mother's Day I was shopping at Wegmans, just a quick trip to get nothing in particular. As I was passing through the aisles, a woman stopped me (literally, stopped me by grabbing my arm), looked me in the eye and said "Happy Mother's Day....are you a mother?".   My immediate reaction was to laugh, knowing I was thinking of the other "mother" that I have been called numerous times.  I responded with an "ummm....no, are you a mother?"  Her face immediately went blank, tears started to well up in her eyes and she preceded to tell me how her 3 year old daughter had passed away, the relationship with her husband has been going down hill and she has no one to talk to.  Oh.......my........god.  Of all the people in the store, she chose me to have a breakdown with.  I, of course, was at a loss of what to say. I looked around to see if I could get a little help from one of the other shoppers, but they were in as much awe as I was with what was going on.  I think by the look on my face it was apparent that I had no idea who this lady was or what she was talking about.  I think the sobbing went on for only a couple minutes, but it felt like hours. I didn't say a word or even try to console this woman in any way.  I'm not sure how I got a word in, but I told this woman that it was nice talking to her and that I had to go.  I think I even threw a "try to enjoy the rest of your day" in there as I was rushing down the aisle to get away from her.  Ugh....to this day I still cringe when someone touches my arm when I am grocery shopping.  Situations like this happen to me almost every day....like I am the Idiot Whisperer.....and I need to share them with some one.....any one.

Can I just say that I am so thoroughly entertained with the Republican Presidential candidates? I have NEVER paid so much attention to Presidential debates in my whole life. I didn't think that the political arena could find anything more disturbing than Sarah Palin, but ~voila~ enter Michele Bachmann, Herman Cain, Thad McCotter, Buddy Roemer (huh?), The Newt, The Mitt, Rick Santorum, Rick Perry, Jon Huntsman and bringing it up the rear, again, Ron Paul.   Wow.  When you put any combination of these people in a room there seems to be one enormous, spontaneous brain fart....and oh boy, I do enjoy a good group brain fart!   I do wonder what Herman Cain was thinking....., oh wait, he wasn't...he was on a book tour turned presidential campaign....what?  Michele Bachmann....thinks the Democrats are responsible for the swine flu and doesn't think carbon monoxide is a dangerous gas. Thad McCotter and Buddy Roemer...we can't possibly have a president with a either of these first names....wait, better add Mitt and Newt to that list as well. Rick Perry....stupid is as stupid does. Jon Huntsman...polled lower than someone who isn't even running in the race. Rick Santorum.....a huge homophobe with a disgusting last name. Google the name Santorum and read the definition ....now you can imagine the disgust I feel whenever I see him on tv. Insert dry heaving noise here.  And poor Ron Paul....whenever I see him I can only picture the little southern guy, Beverly, from Will and Grace (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0430074/).  So at this point I would like to make it official, If I was a Republican I would fully endorse and support ....wait for it......wait for it.... Stephen Colbert for President! His ads just make sense... http://youtu.be/Aix7tQMdJ3s. Who hasn't been duped by a handsome serial killer once or twice in their life???  It's up to you, and only you, to make sure that never happens again.....kinda like only YOU can prevent forest fires. I lived with that weight on my shoulders for most of my childhood. I agonized over how I could prevent ALL the forest fires since I wasn't allowed out of the yard most of the time. Stupid Smokie the Bear....I wonder how many kids have had to endure a lifetime of burden and guilt because of him. 
**Please note: Orange = Big Fat Quitter.

You may be wondering why I named this new blog what I did....well, I would like to be able to showcase and answer many of the stupid questions that I have been asked of me throughout the years. And believe me, there have been a lot. Let's start off with one that really bothers the crap out of me...."Do these pants make me look fat?"  Ummmm.....okay..... ...unless your pants are grossly padded for safety reasons, I am pretty sure it's NOT the PANTS that make you look fat (psssst...maybe it's your fat that makes the pants look bad..... just sayin').  One down....many, many more to go.  I hope I can help answer every one's stupid questions....feel free to send me your stupid questions (in the comments section or via email if you would prefer anonymity and unnecessary finger pointing & name calling) and I will be sure to answer it so you can feel a moment of shame fading to relief, then be able to get on with your life.

In the future you may see some advertising posted on this blog.  Here's the skinny....if I allow Google to post ads on this blog and you click on the ad, I earn revenue. Yes, that's right. I will be paid for your clicking actions. By clicking on these ads you may learn something very exciting (like how to make Corned Spam & Cabbage) or learn something very disturbing (like how to make Corned Spam & Cabbage). With this new found information you will be able to "wow" your friends with your vast knowledge and potentially save lives.....so, be a HERO, click on the ads, put some new wrinkles in your brain and put some shiny, well needed coinage in my pockets. Thank you and God Bless America!

If you want to know when there are updates to this blog, please subscribe and become a follower. I will  not be able to send out emails each time I post something, so save the link, check back often and make sure you comment when you feel the need to comment! 


Well that's it for now....there is so much more to say though....so stay tuned!

Jules